You’re starting another week. Another week of decisions you’ll need to make. But somehow those decisions don’t get made.
It’s one of the more frustrating situations you (and those around you) can face. You can’t seem to make a decision and stick to it.
There can be many reasons why you lack the confidence to make decisions in your life.
As a child your parents may have made all your decisions for you. And you weren’t supposed to question them..
Or it could be that you don’t like the pressure decision making puts on you. You question whether you’re making the right decision. And you’re fearful about how your decision will affect others.
You may feel very anxious at the thought of having to make a decision.
Here are a few ways to recognize if you’re someone who lacks the confidence to make decisions:
You would rather have someone else make the decision for you –
Passing the decision-making process to another could show a lack of confidence.
You never make a decision –
Other people may be relying on you for a decision, but you let weeks or months slide by without deciding.
When you do make a decision, you second-guess yourself –
This is another demonstration of lack of confidence in your abilities.
Regardless of what led to an inability to trust yourself you can become better if you work at it.
Here are some ideas for improving your confidence and making good decisions.
Make an “unofficial” decision –
This is a decision that’s not yet set in stone. Make a decision, and live with that decision for a day.
For example, you’ve decided to upgrade to a bigger house, and you have the money saved up. You find a house that you really like that fits all the criteria you want in a bigger house.
It has a big yard, a deck, and an attached garage. But, you have trouble making decisions.
You may find that you try to talk yourself out of it. You begin to worry how you’ll afford it, the increased heating and cooling costs, and so forth.
This is where it can help to make an “unofficial” decision. You have to decide that you will or will not move.
Pick one, and live with that decision for a day. Convince yourself that the decision is a real one.
Then see how your decision makes you feel. This can be a good way to test decisions before making them official.
Knowing that you can still change your mind, if it doesn’t feel right, can be comforting.
Recognize decisions that are reversible –
For example, you’re having a tough time choosing a color of house paint. Start by picking some swatches. Then make a decision rather than fretting over the perfect color.
If you start painting and don’t like the color you can just reverse course and choose another color.
Ask yourself: what is the worst that can happen? –
Not all decisions are life altering. If you begin by making small decisions (like choosing which movie to go to) your confidence can grow as time goes on. You’ll be better positioned to make bigger decisions as time passes.
Write down the pros and cons of each decision you are considering –
It might help if you put your ideas on paper. List what you like and don’t like about them.
Seeing rather than only thinking about the options can make it easier to come to a decision.
Another Monday morning, and it’s a great time for complaining. Gotta wake up so early. Traffic is always a mess. This job is the worst.
You may not have a lot of options for improving your situation right now. But, you can change how you look at it
This is especially true if you’re a complainer. Let’s look at some ways to ratchet down the tendency to complain.
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How To Avoid Complaining
Remember the phrase from the poem Solitude, by Ella Wheeler Wilcox? The line is, “Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep and you weep alone”.
The same can be said for complaining. If you’re a chronic complainer, you may want to rethink that tendency.
One problem with complaining is that too much of it becomes less effective over time. Are you really unhappy with every situation you’re presented with?
It could be a sign that you have other negative situations going on in your life. You need to choose your battles, as they say.
Let’s say you have several situations that make you unhappy. Pick the one you most want to focus on for improvement.
It will be easier to get your point across if you limit the frequency of your complaints.
There’s a right time to complain. But it should be done in the context of offering up alternatives.
Be part of the solution and not part of the problem. If you only offer a complaint, how is that helping solve the problem?
Offering solutions will show your willingness to have a stake in solving the problem.
A good approach is to come up with more than one solution whenever possible. This will help get more people to see your side of the story.
If you’re someone who complains a lot, take a step back. Think about others who are chronic complainers as well.
How did you react to their constant stream of complaints? Did you think to yourself that the person should try to help solve the problem?
If you answered yes to this last question, this is how others are thinking when you complain.
Complainers often feel like no one’s listening to them, usually with good reason. And the increased frustration could lead to their alienation from the group.
This is not a good situation. Management could be more likely to let the complainers go. Or the complainers might take it upon themselves to leave.
Complaining is considered negative thinking, but it’s a changeable habit.
Begin that change by shifting from negative to positive thoughts.
Your peers will likely find fewer faults with you. And they won’t go out of their way to avoid you if you maintain a positive attitude.
If you find that you complain a lot and people are avoiding you it may be time for some changes.
This week’s episode of CHI FOR YOURSELF takes a look at fear, anxiety, and A Course In Miracles. We’ll welcome Corinne Zupko. She was challenged by anxiety at an early age.
But she found a way to heal from rather than just coping with fear and anxiety. That way included A Course in Miracles.
Corinne Zupko is the author of From Anxiety to Love: A Radical New Approach for Letting Go of Fear and Finding Lasting Peace
Hear the interview on Thursday, March 22nd at 4 pm Eastern, 1 pm Pacific time at chiforyourself.com
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ARTICLE:
Unlock Your Power Of Self Development
Life is about change. Even when we’re not aware of it.
An honest look at ourselves can assure that the changes take us in positive directions. But the honesty can be difficult since it requires perspective.
If you look at a painting too closely you might not be able to appreciate it. Back up a bit and you get a clearer vision of the whole artwork. You see it in perspective.
Life can sneak up on you with hints that might help you unlock your power of self- improvement. But until you’re ready for change you won’t see them. And the ready point may happen when you hit rock bottom.
It’s a little like the well-known frog principle. If you try placing a frog in a pot of boiling water, what happens? He jumps right out. Why?
Because he is not able to tolerate sudden change in his environment. He knows that water is too hot for him.
But put him in cooler water then turn the gas on and he won’t move. The water gets hotter and hotter until it’s boiling. You know how the story ends.
Your situation may be like the frog’s. You stay comfortable in a bad situation. You may think that one more cigarette or drink won’t hurt. You find yourself addicted and you can’t stop.
Pain teaches us lessons. Pain that is strong enough to make us see that our comfort zone is not so comfortable anymore.
We can ignore the warning signals for a long time, but finally, something hits home.
When do we realize that we need to change diets? When none of our jeans and shirts fit us.
When do we stop drinking sugary sodas all day? When every visit to the dentist reveals that we need painful work.
When do we realize that we need to stop smoking? When we develop a cough that will not go away.
When do we pray and ask for help? Sometimes, not until we know we are about to die.
It’s not easy to change. But change becomes more painful when we ignore it.
Change will happen, like it or not.
Happy people accept and embrace change. You don’t have to feel unbearable pain before realizing the need for self-improvement.
Self-development may not be everybody’s favorite pastime. But if we look at things from a different point of view, we might have a greater chance of enjoying the whole process.
Enjoy the process of unlocking your power of self-development. Then expect a better experience of happiness.
This week I want to finish up our look at leadership. If you didn’t hear the CHI FOR YOURSELF interview with Linda Kohanov ( author of The Five Roles of a Master Herder: A Revolutionary Model for Socially Intelligent Leadership) you can click on here and start the player on the page.
Here’s a look at some of the features of a good leader. Could this be you?
ARTICLE:
Do you get frustrated at work when things don’t seem to be happening the way you think they’re supposed to? You see people milling around but nothing gets accomplished.
And in the daily hustle and bustle, do you feel that your goals remain only goals? Then it might be time for you to stand up and do something about it. Most people are content to stand around waiting for orders. It isn’t unusual to adopt a follow-the-leader mentality.
But it could be that somewhere inside of you, you feel the desire to make things happen – to be the head, not the tail. Leadership might be a good fit for you. There’s a saying- “great leaders are made, not born.” Yes, it may be true that some people are born with natural talents.
But, leadership doesn’t develop without practice, drive, enthusiasm, and experience.
And, good leaders continuously work and study to improve their natural skills. This takes a commitment toward constant improvement.
First of all, let’s define leadership. To be a leader, one must be able to influence others to work toward a result. He or she contributes to the organization and cohesion of a group.
Contrary to what many people believe, leadership isn’t about power. It’s not about harassing people or driving them using fear.
It’s about motivating others toward the goals of the organization. It’s getting everyone on the same page and helping them see the big picture.
Aim to be a leader, not a boss. You have to get people to follow your lead. How is this accomplished? People follow when they see that the leader has a clear sense of purpose. People will follow you if they see that you know where you’re going.
Remember that bumper sticker? The one that says, ‘Don’t follow me, I’m lost too’? The same holds true for leadership.
If you yourself don’t know where you’re headed, chances are people will not follow. You must understand the vision and mission of the organization.
Have a clear sense of hierarchy. Know who the bosses are. Who to talk to, and the organization’s goals and objectives and how it works. Being a leader is not about what you make others do. It’s about who you are, what you know, and what you do.
Studies show that a basis of good leadership is the trust and confidence of those you’re leading. If they trust you they’ll likely go through hell and high water for you and for the organization.
Trust and confidence are built on good relationships, trustworthiness, and high ethics. The strength of your relationships will build faith in your capabilities.
Communication is key to good leadership. You must be clear when you impart your knowledge and technical expertise. As a good leader, you’ll want to have sound judgment.
You must be able to assess situations, weigh the pros and cons of any decision, and actively seek out a solution.
It’s this judgment that those you lead will come to rely upon. So, good decision-making is vital to the success of your organization.
Leaders are not do-it-all heroes. Don’t claim to know everything, and don’t rely on your skills alone.
Recognize and take advantage of the skills and talents of your personnel. This way you’ll be able to work as one cohesive unit. Remember, being a leader takes a good deal of work and time. It is not learned overnight.
Remember, also, that it is not about just you. It’s about you and the people around you. So, do you have the drive and the desire to serve required of leaders? Do you have the desire to work cooperatively with other people?
Then start now. Take your stand and be the leader today.
Our guest (Linda Kohanov) adapts horse-inspired insights into powerful tools for developing collaborative leadership and managing change.
Over thousands of years, Kohanov writes, “master herders” of nomadic herding cultures developed a multi-faceted, socially intelligent form of leadership combining the five roles of Dominant, Leader, Sentinel, Nurturer / Companion, and Predator.
LindaKohanov is the author of The Five Roles of a Master Herder: A Revolutionary Model for Socially Intelligent Leadership.
Some talking points from the show:
Features of socially intelligent leadership
A definition of “master herder”
Master herder roles in the working world
Human and animal interaction
Animals and their work in entertaining humans
Listen to the interview by clicking on below:
…and you can read more about leadership styles here:
Iremember getting my very first leadership opportunity. I was thrilled because this is what I’d been working towards for many years and boy oh boy did I suck!
I thought I understood all I needed to know because, after all, I’d read all the books and gave an awesome interview so why was I floundering so badly?
I couldn’t understand why my team wasn’t jumping on board and hanging onto my every word. It was at this point that I was firmly pressed up against reality and I quickly realized that I didn’t have the skills that I thought I had.
My boss, who seemed quite successful in building a team, told me that the team had to want to follow me and that no title was going to give me that. That’s where his advice ended, not because he was short on giving advice, but because he didn’t understand what made him a good leader and he, through no fault of his own, lacked the skills to grow leaders under him.
It was like being thrown into a pool to learn to swim but no one was there to teach me. Looking back it was largely this experience that led me on the journey to discover what makes great leaders. I was no longer satisfied with the theory alone, I wanted to the tools to grow a team and to be able to lead them to be high performers.
As you’ve often heard me say in the past, the first step is awareness of yourself and, in this instance, awareness of your default leadership style. We all have a default and with every style there are positives and negatives in how they are used and there are also specific times when each style should be ‘consciously’ drawn upon.
More on this later but for now, let’s look at the different core leadership styles.
Debate is common about which leadership style is most effective. The answer, of course,… it all depends. ~ Thomas Kohntopp
Visionary Leadership Style
The Visionary Leader moves people towards a shared dream/vision. This style is particularly effective when a business is adrift-it comes naturally to transformational leaders, those who seek to radically change an organization.
Of all the leadership styles, this style appears to be the most strongly positive. Examples of Visionary Leaders include Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, and Barrack Obama.
The key personality traits of these leaders are empathy, self-confidence, and honesty/integrity and they act as a change agent and are big on transparency.
A note of caution: This style can fail when the leader is working with a team of experts or peers who are more experienced than he/she and may be viewed as someone with a grand vision or someone who is misaligned with the existing agenda. It can cause cynicism which can lead to poor performance.
The leader can come across as overbearing and can undermine the spirit of the team.
Coaching Leadership Style
The Coaching Leader connects what a person wants with the organization’s goals. This is a highly positive leadership style. The focus is less so on the “bottom-line” but tends to promote loyalty and a strong culture which, in an indirect way, leads to “bottom-line” results.
The personality traits of this style of leader are emotional self-awareness, empathy, rapport building, and listening. When done well, coaching improves the team member’s capabilities, self-confidence, autonomy, and performance.
This style is the most lacking in leaders. Having a deep conversation with a team member goes beyond the immediate short-term concerns and instead explores a person’s life, including dreams, life goals, and career hopes… this takes time and effort.
A note of caution: When executed poorly the coaching approach can look more like micromanaging or excessive control of the team member. This can impact on the team member’s self-confidence and be detrimental to performance.
Affiliative Leadership Style
The Affiliative Leader creates harmony by connecting people to each other. This leadership style has a positive impact on the environment.
It heightens team harmony, increases morale, improves communication and repairs broken trust in an organization. This leadership style tends to value people and their feelings-putting less emphasis on accomplishing tasks and goals, and more on team member’s emotional needs.
They strive to keep people happy, to create harmony and to build team resonance. But, it should not be used alone.
When coupled with the Visionary Leadership Style it can be a highly potent combination. This style is best used to heal rifts in a team, motivate during stressful times, or strengthen connections.
A note of caution: When using this style alone poor performance can go uncorrected and lead to a culture of mediocrity.
Democratic Leadership Style
The Democratic Leader values people’s input and gets commitment through participation. It has a positive impact on the environment and keeps morale high by spending time one-on-one and in meetings listening to the concerns of team members.
The democratic approach works best when the leader is uncertain about what direction to take and needs ideas from able employees. Even if there is a strong vision, this style works well to surface ideas about how to implement that vision or to generate fresh ideas for executing it.
Please Note: In order for this to be effective, team members have to be well-informed and competent. This approach should not be used in times of crisis and when urgent events demand on-the-spot decisions.
A note of caution: Over-reliance on this style can be exasperating leading to endless meetings to gain consensus, delayed decision making, confusion and lack of direction leading to delays and escalating conflicts.
The next couple of leadership styles, although they have their place, need to be used sparingly and because of the incorrect use of these, they are deemed highly negative… I’m speaking from experience here!
Pace-Setting Leadership Style
The Pace Setting Leader meets challenging and exciting goals. Because this style is frequently poorly executed, it has a highly negative impact on the environment.
When used excessively or in the wrong setting, team members can feel pushed too hard, morale drops and the result is discord. This style works well with a team of highly competent, motivated individuals who need little direction and it makes sense during the entrepreneurial/growth phase of a company.
It can also be effective for short deadlines but continued high pressure can lead to increased anxiety and a drop in performance.
This approach is synonymous with the leader needing to dive into the detail, reluctant to delegate and taking over from others who are not performing (rather trusting they could improve with guidance). The continued high pressure can constrict innovative thinking.
The underlying foundational characteristics of this style include the drive to achieve, a high initiative to seize opportunities, striving to increase their own performance and those of their team.
Leaders who default to this style are motivated, not by external rewards, but by a strong need to meet their own high standards of excellence. Use with caution!
Commanding Leadership Style
The Commanding Leadership Style soothes fears by giving clear direction in an emergency. This is the least effective style in most situations.
This style contaminates the team’s mood and impacts performance, feedback tends to focus on what people did wrong. It is useful, however, in a crisis, to kick-start a turnaround, or with problem employees (when all else fails).
The Commanding Leadership Style undermines the ability to give people the sense that their job fits into a grand, shared mission. This leads to people feeling less committed (even alienated) from their jobs and thinking, “Why does any of this matter?”
It comes from the old military command and control hierarchies used in the twentieth century… interestingly enough, this style is now even cross-pollinated with other styles in the modern military. Again, use with caution!
As you can see, each style has it’s uses and can be effective when applied at the right times. Each style also has its drawbacks and it’s useful to be aware of these too.
Earlier I mentioned that ‘each style should be consciously drawn on’ and by this, I mean that in order to be an effective leader you have to rely more on a range of leadership styles and apply them intelligently rather than just having your default style.
If I was to ask a project manager why they included a section on Risk Management in their project management plan I expect them to be able to tell me. In the same manner, if I was to ask you why you choose to behave one way under certain conditions and another under other conditions I would expect you to be able to articulate the leadership style you are consciously applying and why.
Don’t leave your leadership development to chance. Consciously take control of it and become the best leader you can be!
I wish I knew about the importance of flexing my leadership style back then, it would’ve made a world of a difference.
Knowing what you know now:What’s your default leadership style? What are the challenges you face with your team and what style would be most appropriate in this situation?
Knowing what you know now: You don’t have to have a title to lead. How can you apply these styles in what you do? What styles do you recognize in your peers and leaders in your organization and what impact do they have on their teams?
If you’d like to know more about how you can embed this powerful principle into your life, or if you’d like to learn a little more about what coaching can offer you, please contact us at any time for a free consultation:
Your work can be bad for your health. You might sit at a desk for eight hours. Or look at a computer screen all day. Or spend your day on your feet, running around an emergency room treating patients.
Your risks include repetitive strain injury, stiff joints, eye strain, and back pain. One of the biggest risks is weight gain, especially for busy professionals.
Even being on your feet during the workday poses problems. You might turn to sugary foods to keep going, adding to the risk of weight gain.
There is good news, though. Here are five fitness tips for the busy professionals among us.
1. Sleep Well
It’s one of the best things you can do for your health. Sleep improves your focus and performance.
And, it means you’ll more likely make the right dietary decisions.
Choosing the right foods gives you fuel to do your workout. It improves your mood. And it can even boost your sex life.
2. Plan Well
If you want to maintain your fitness you’ll want to plan ahead. One of the biggest downfalls of any lifestyle is the inability to maintain it.
So, if you know you’re prone to grabbing junk at lunch, make sure you prepare your lunch the night before. Do the same with your breakfast and dinner.
If you often forget to grab your gym bag, leave it at the door or somewhere you will see it for when you need it. The magic number when it comes to moderate exercise is 150 minutes – it is easier to achieve than you think.
3. Switch Up Your Commute
Provided you live fairly close to your workplace – you can leave the car at home and hop on a bike or just walk. Not only will it save you money, it also helps protect the environment.
Look at you, thinking of others and improving your health!
4. Lunch Break Movement
If possible, consider going for a walk on your lunch break – the fresh air will do you good.
You can walk to a park to eat lunch. Or walk to a healthy eatery where you know there’s time for you to dine well and get your steps in.
It will also provide you with an energy boost, you’ll find your afternoon at work goes in quicker, too.
5. Travel Well
If travel is a regular part of your business, then you know how difficult it can be to exercise and to eat well. The first thing you can do is start keeping a food diary. This way you can track what you’re eating while traveling, as it’s easy to lose track.
When it comes to exercise, check ahead to see if your hotel has a gym. If it doesn’t, you can track a path to walk or jog and see if there is a gym in the vicinity.
Even in a hectic atmosphere, there are plenty of ways you can find time for fitness. You can skip the elevator and always choose the stairs.
To save time, try to find a gym that’s on your way home from work – you can slip in a few nights a week for a quick workout.
You may be surprised at how many calories you burn doing the housework.
Start your day with a short yoga session. Eat a healthy breakfast.
Tackle the day with the energy and vigor it deserves.
Overheard: “The difference between someone who is in shape, and someone who is not in shape, is the individual who is in shape works out even when they do not want to.”
It’s been a tough week in the U.S. with another school shooting capturing the country’s attention. CHI FOR YOURSELF usually doesn’t discuss these types of events. Certainly not from a political perspective or one that whips the populace into a frenzy.
But it’s worth noting that these shootings tend to have one thing in common. They’re committed by males. Young males. The nation asks “why?”
Today we look back to a 2013 CHI FOR YOURSELF episode with guest Cynthia Gill. She told us about ways in which boys are educated, conditioned, and often left with feelings of hopelessness.
Cynthia Gill is the author of Jump-Starting Boys: Help Your Reluctant Learner Find Success in School and Life.Hear the show by clicking on below–
(Article)
Down But Not Out: Feel the Feelings and Keep Going
The other day I was reminded of the waves of emotions that can roll through our lives unannounced. These can range from down days to the darker depression-like moods.
I dealt with those heavy feelings earlier in my life. I referred to those as “situational” since there were some troubling issues that had to be faced.
When I ran a search on the definition of emotions I found: A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.
Definition 2 read: Any of the particular feelings that characterize such a state of mind, such as joy, anger, love, hate, horror, etc. The key word in the first example is ‘natural’.
Your first reaction might be to turn your feelings away. You might push the feelings down, put them on hold until later, or use distractions to get your mind off of things.
You can deny them or indulge in them (often called wallowing). And there’s a cliche to match every situation- ‘I don’t have time to think about that now’, ‘It’s always something’, or ‘I’ll take care of it later.’
But what you’re feeling is neither positive nor negative. It’s all part of being human.
If your choice is not to experience intense feelings they could become embedded in your physical body. When they set up shop deep inside you they can have an effect on the way you look at the world.
The worst case scenario is that they can be so troubling as to cause illness. This is a good time to monitor your thinking, too.
One of the greatest figures in the Human Development field is Louise Hay. She put it this way, “The thoughts we choose to think are the tools we use to paint the canvas of our lives.”
You can bring out the feelings, front and center, to experience them in a safe and enriching way. When I feel the need to do this I pretty much drop whatever was planned for the day, if possible, and get to the feeling place.
You may have a more demanding schedule, so how about a date- with yourself? Pick a safe, secure, and comfortable place along with a time when you can be alone.
Start by remembering the circumstances that touched off the emotions you’ve been putting off. When you’ve stirred up the emotions let yourself FEEL them. Don’t block them.
Cry if you feel like it. Let any thoughts that come up come through.
And be gentle with yourself. This is not a good place to judge what’s happening.
Recognizing your emotions instead of pushing them away helps you to stay emotionally healthy and goes a long way toward truly conscious living.
Overheard: “To change a habit, make a conscious decision, then act out the new behavior.”
Another Monday morning, and it’s a great time for complaining. Gotta wake up so early. Traffic is always a mess. This job is the worst.
Overheard: “When you change the way you look at things, the things 
This week’s episode of CHI FOR YOURSELF takes a look at fear, anxiety, and A Course In Miracles. We’ll welcome Corinne Zupko. She was challenged by anxiety at an early age.
This week I want to finish up our look at leadership. 
Our guest (Linda Kohanov) adapts horse-inspired insights into powerful tools for developing collaborative leadership and managing change.
I remember getting my very first leadership opportunity. I was thrilled because this is what I’d been working towards for many years and boy oh boy did I suck!
Overheard: “The difference between someone who is in shape, and someone who is not in shape, is the individual who is in shape works out even when they do not want to.”
Linda Kohanov adapts horse-inspired insights into powerful tools for developing collaborative leadership and managing change.
But it’s worth noting that these shootings tend to have one thing in common. They’re committed by males. Young males. The nation asks “why?”
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